2005-12-15T18:52:00.000-08:00

Argh.

That's how I'm feeling right now.

My stepfather is yelling at my mom for leaving a door unlatched or some stupid shit like that.
He's a real ass. And I don't just think that because he's my stepfather, and so naturally I hate him, that's not it at all.
He's just an asshole. Period. End of story.
Trust me on this one.
But, he's always like that, so I'm used to it.
I had gotten rather hopefull earlier when he was an hour late getting home, and the roads were bad.
Am I a horrible person for hoping he got into a wreck? Probably. But I really don't care.

I haven't talked to Derek since the other night... but I'm always hoping he'll call, or something, even though I know he won't.
I really need to get over him. I dunno how long obsession like this can be healthy. It probably isn't now.
Maybe I'll meet a new guy. Maybe tomorrow all the snow will melt and I can go swimming.

I can't wait untill summer comes. I have invites to spend a few weeks in a couple different states, with a couple different cousins.
God, I love my cousins. Most of them anyway.

Now for something completely random! "So then of course, I, I had a wank and then left"

2005-12-09T17:45:00.000-08:00

So, the other night I talked to this guy on AIM. We'll call the the guy Derek.

Well, I really like Derek. We used to be boyfrend/girlfriend.
But then he cheated on me with a girl, let's call her Cora. I've never met Cora, but from what I hear she's obese, ugly, and a total bitch.
That's a real blow to my self-esteem.

But, that happened months ago. Derek and I are still... friends. Since then him and Cora have broken up, partly because of me. Well, mostly because of me. (Should I feel good or bad about that?)
But now they're back together.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I was talking to Derek on AIM, and he said he missed me. He does that alot. (I think he's trying to keep his opportunities open).
Then he said that he's only with Cora because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.
Wait. What? Hurting my feelings never stopped him from breaking up with me. Hm.

When I asked him how he felt about me about a month ago, he said I was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Wait. What? You don't cheat on the best thing that ever happened to you.
His excuse for cheating on me? He wanted sex.
Yeah, he's about a whore and a half there. If he would have stayed with me for another month or so he would have gotten that.
Until then he could just jack off, right?

So, now I'm sitting here wondering. Does he really care for me? or is he just keeping things good between so that when Cora dumps him because he's a prick, he'll be able to run to me?

I thought I was getting over him. I still thought about him alot, but it didn't hurt that much anymore.
But when I was talking to him. Everything just came back. And now I can't stop thinking about him. And it hurts so much.

After this, I think I'll become a lesbian.

<3

~Love is Destructive~